lamentations

Everything is falling apart
nothing seems to be going right.
all i had hopes on, all that i could look forward to, all that could bring a cheer to my day when i think of it, are all not happening or not any more.

Lord, is this your plan that i be in this situation?
Is it your will that i end up in this society, this environment?
was it your plan all along that my past been as such?
Looking back at the past, is just a cloud which my years disappeared into.
Looking into the future, its just a shadow of uncertainty and bleakness.
Looking at the present, i am stuck in this hostile world, with hostile environment and society.
I have nowhere to run. You hold the lamp to my path
i ought to trust in your guidance and know that you will lead me where the grass is greener on the other side. where the sun will shine brightly and flowers bloom once again.
but Lord, now all i see is darkness, even the lamp i fail to find comfort in.
All these things are tearing me down piece by piece. my morale, my esteem. laid to waste.
It makes it hard for me to find the will, strength and passion to live for you.
I just cant find the hope anymore that ill be great for you someday.

Lord, is this a test for me?
Are you doing this to humble me?
I choose to believe that you have always been there for me, watching over me
You know what i am going through and you care for me
You have allowed all these things to happen. yes it could make me stronger.
But i begin to doubt if your plan really intends for me to be great for you.
Am i really able to be, even if im fully willing? will you perform a miracle change on me?
Is this all contributing to the greater plan you have for me that i currently fail to see?
If so, Lord, i pray you show me the meaning of this.
The purpose for putting me through this, so that i may tide it through with a smile.
For then i know that all these happening is all in your plan.
As for now, Lord, please give me the strength and comfort i need to carry through this rocky and trecherous valley, doing the best i can to make things good.
Though i walk through the valley in the shadow of death, i shall fear no evil, for your rod and staff shall comfort me. Amen.

Shopping exp

Yesterday I followed my classmates to marina square to shop. It was partly to specially help me to choose and buy clothes to try to change my image. its the first time I ever went shopping for clothes without my parents who would pay for them. And such shopping trips are uncommon either since I find clothes shopping utterly boring. So this time I was specially conscious of the costs. Furthermore its marina square – no pasar malam, brandless items or fakes. Plus the rentals cost for a location like that. So everything there was a bane to my budget. At least $10 for a simple print less shirt, 20 for a pair of shorts, 40 for jeans, and 25 for a nicer shirt. Ouch.

I always felt I don’t need to buy any new clothes. I have more than enough and I can reuse them. Shirts, I get a good supply from every event I attend. I have shorts, boxers, cargo pants, jeans shared with my brother. Footwear is all covered – slippers, sandals, formal shoes, sports shoes, plain shoes, kicks, even boots. Jeans are uncomfortable compared to my cargoes and theyre all too big for me. I would prefer to stick to my comfortable habitual attire of event t shirts, cargo pants and plain shoes. But apparently many ppl are criticizing my dressing. I don’t see whats so wrong with it.

Ok, I have a poor fashion sense. I don’t bother keeping up with fashion anyway. It seems not worth the cost. I would prefer being comfortable. But well, since now I know how much appearance matters in today’s very superficial society, I thought I could use a *temporary* change and see how it goes. Can it really get much better?

So my classmates were my fashion advisors during the shopping trip. Went from shop to shop and got all tired but I still haven’t bought anything after a long time. Fussy me would be complaining about the price (but I soon warmed up to it and after browsing the shops, found that I have to raise my budget. pain got less until I finally conceded at the ‘end’.) I also gave negative comments about whatever they chose for me and I guess they got pissed... its like I have to find the perfect item and yet want a good cost. It’s an amateur shopper’s dream but which sometimes do come true.

At Giordano the prices were lower than the previous shops plus there was discount going on so I finally bought 4 shirts from there. But I first had to try on many different stuff and show them each combination to get comments. Supposed to buy jeans too, but me being too below average in size for a normal guy, the smallest jeans available there was too big for me. Even after wearing a belt it looked baggy and weird. Then I tried on the girls jeans and it fit me well but made me look a bit gay. So in the end I bought no bottoms there. Well the shirts already added up to almost $60 - about 2 average weeks of my expenditure. I learnt for the first time how to use NETS. I really thought I had to withdraw to pay. I hope the new ‘image’ really makes a good difference to make it worth the cost.

And then there was the stupid misleading bus chart which gave me false hope that 961 would pass by, and made me waste time waiting. Luckily dawn and some others passed by and enlightened me on the truth.